【robert masters eroticized wound】

No one needs another A Christmas Caroladaptation. No. One.

Dickens' 1843 holiday classic has been subject to countless(and we mean countless) reimaginings since it entered the public domain. Most of them hardly have robert masters eroticized woundan ounce of imagination, though, mostly just retelling the same old story while replacing its original characters with in-universe stand-ins.

There's always a Scrooge. There's always three ghosts. There's always a lesson about the true meaning of Christmas at the end. Unless it's one of the wild iterations we found, that is.

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After scouring the ghosts of A Christmas Carol's past, present, and future, we compiled a list of the weirdest retellings we had access to. Despite our best efforts at thoroughness, though, we guarantee we missed many other bizarre-o takes because even making a strange version of A Christmas Carolhas become a trope now.

Regardless, you can tell holiday cheer to fuck off because our Scrooges are going rogue.

The Ghost of Girlfriends Past (2009)

Where the ever-living fuck do we even begin with this simultaneous crime and gift of cinema?

Somehow this ghost of rom-coms past has been forgotten to the annals of history, much to the relief (or perhaps concerted efforts) of its star-studded cast. With Matthew McConaughey, Jennifer Garner, Michael Douglas, and Emma Stone, there are a collective three Academy Awards for acting between the talent in this misogynistic spin on A Christmas Carol. (The movie itself only won the Women Film Critics Circle's Hall of Shame award, however.)

It's hard to add moretoxic masculinity to the works of Charles Dickens. But The Ghost of Girlfriends Pastachieves the impossible at every turn.

McConaughey plays a womanizing photographer whose ghosts of "girlfriends" past would today be more accurately described as his long list of #MeToo sexual harassment victims. Ghostly visions of his previous exploits take him through the events justifying his predatory behavior, along with a rainstorm of the literal tears from women he emotionally abused and mistreated, as well as his lonely future if he (by all accounts rightfully) loses the girl of his dreams to a man who's actually decent.

It's a timely tale about forgiving homophobic and transphobic misogynists who face zero consequences and growth but are self-pitying enough to feign betterment. Or, from a different perspective, it's the horror story of a woman getting negged into a toxic relationship.

"Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past," Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2002)

Somehow, this isn't the only entry on our list with a robotic ghost of Christmas past.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force's version tells the origin story for a variety of Christmas traditions, like old Saint Nick and gift-giving (in addition to a few Christmas Carolnods). Apparently long ago there was an ape named Sir Santa of Claus who enslaved elves and forced them to make toys out of his own shit and dinosaur bones. Then Santa became a robot (don't ask questions).

Anyway, Carl's house is haunted by pools of elf blood because it's where it all happened. The moral of the story is that elf blood is a good way to raise the property value on your house.

"Christmas Carol and "Emily," X-Files (1997)

Initially inspired by the 1951 film Scrooge, this two-parter was an attempted then ultimately abandoned Christmas premise where Scully would take on the role of Alastair Sim's iconic character.

In its final version, Christmas serves only as a backdrop to a plot that very loosely pays homage to A Christmas Carol, with Scully seeing flashbacks and meeting different "versions" of her deceased sister.

"A Very Sunny Christmas," It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2010)

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The gang's version of "A Christmas Carol bullshit" is appropriately fucked. Also appropriately, Frank plays Scrooge and, if anything, changes for the worse by the end.

Dee and Dennis hatch up elaborate Dickens-esque schemes to make him feel bad for always giving them terrible Christmas gifts. But Frank proceeds to try to stab his ghost of Christmas past (and old business partner). His ghost of Christmas present entails sewing himself into the couch during an office party, ending in him bursting from the couch completely nude and storming off.

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You can hazard a guess at how successful his ghost of Christmas Future — a gravestone that reads "he was a dick of a father" — winds up being.

Frank leaves in the new Lamborghini that Dennis had wanted for Christmas.

"Oh Crap, A Bunch More Bad Stuff Just Happened," I Think You Should Leave (2019)

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This taped PBS special-looking sketch begins with the conceit of a tired, old A Christmas Caroladaptation. But Scrooge's Christmas epiphany is interrupted by an aggro, mech-suit wearing time traveler (Veep's Sam Richardson) crashing through the wall to warn him about the apocalyptic Christmas in 3050.

Introducing himself as the Ghost of Christmas Waaaay Future, he demands Scrooge help defeat the Bone Brigade by killing their leader, Skelatrex, who's 15 feet tall with bones the size of tree trunks.

There's not a lot of identifiable Christmas tie-in here. But Scrooge doesbeat down an animated skeleton with his cane, which is my definition of holiday fun.

Ms. Scrooge, USA Network (1997)

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The true bizarreness of this one is that it's... actually not that bad?

This race and gender-flipped version of A Christmas Carolstars Oscar-nominated Cicely Tyson as a successful but cruel moneylender Ebeneta Scrooge. Unlike many other gender and/or race flipped retellings, Ms. Scroogeat least attempts to tackle race and class politics (though with varying degrees of success).

The hard-hearted Ebeneta is confronted with her childhood traumas, realizing how growing up impoverished made her put financial security and independence above all else. It addresses the harsh realities of the double-edged sword that is upward mobility, and how it can alienate you from the community you grew up with. There's even a fantastic sermon from a reverend who makes salient points about the nature of sin in the context of need.

Don't get us wrong — Ms. Scroogestill misses the mark often. For one, all of Ebeneta's Christmas ghosts who teach her a lesson are, uh, white (huge nope). But, all in all, we'd recommend giving this underrated adaptation a watch.

"Donald Trump vs Ebenezer Scrooge," Epic Rap Battles of History (2013)

On the sheer basis of surreal foresight alone, this one wins hands down.

Pre-dating both Trump's presidential campaign and Kanye West's inexplicable support of him, this historic rap battle parody features each as the ghost of Christmas past and future (respectively). They're trying to show Scrooge how he's gonna die a miserable, lonely old grump.

Looks like the Donald should've taken his own advice!

"A Solstice Carol," Xena: Warrior Princess (1996)

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Nothing about a Xena Christmas special should work. But it absolutely fucking does.

A pagan spin on the Christmas tale, Xena is tasked with convincing a curmudgeonly king to end his ban forbidding subjects from celebrating the winter solstice (with stockings, pine trees, ornaments and all). She does so by staging some plays for him in his bedroom with the help of her companion Gabrielle and none other than Santa Claus himself.

Yes, that's right. Xena teams up with Santa Claus — or rather the name he apparently went by in pre-Christian times: Senticles. Sure, it fudges the timeline on our modern traditions. But it's a true Christmas miracle!

A Carol Christmas, Hallmark Channel (2003)

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We only chose one of thewild takes on A Christmas Carolfrom the Hallmark Channel, just for the sake of space and our sanity.

But aside from this one there's also 1995's Ebbie, with another gender-flipped Scrooge that's a high-powered business lady played by Susan Lucci. Advertised as "a classic Christmas story for a changing world," it instead demonizes a woman for caring more about her career than her boyfriend.

But 2003's A Carol Christmastakes the cake on the basis of its cast.

Tori Spelling stars as a mean-spirited celebrity talk show host who's visited by Gary Coleman (of Diff'rent Strokesfame) as the Ghost of Christmas Past and William Shatner (of Star Trekfame) as the Ghost of Christmas Present. As with most gender-flipped A Christmas Carols, this one also demonizes a career woman by implying that the moral of the story is sticking to gender roles more.

Beam me up to the North Pole, Scottie.

Twelve Hundred Ghosts - A Christmas Carol in Supercut, Heath Waterman (2016)

This 53-minute supercut compiles 400+ A Christmas Caroladaptations together, giving you a sense of just how vast and unending this hole really is.

Obvious masochist and genius Heath Waterman spent over a year watching different iterations of A Christmas Carol across all mediums — TV, audiobooks, comic books, porn — to splice clips together into a semi-coherent new narrative. It's a feat of willpower and editing.

But also, it's a testament to just how desperately we need to either move on from A Christmas Carol or, do something weird with it if you must.