【the mainstreaming of masturbation: the auto eroticism】

If America wakes up next week with its first female president,the mainstreaming of masturbation: the auto eroticism we're going to be in some uncharted territory. We'll have a woman in the White House who isn'tthe First Lady, and she'll be there with a husband who has already served as president.

A Clinton Part II presidency leaves us in a bit of a quandary: What to call the spouse of our first female president when he happens to be a former president himself, particularly when both husband and wife have the same last name. Making matters all the more confusing, it will be the first time the president's spouse is male. If a woman is running the country, her husband certainly won't be known as the first lady, and so the Office of the First Lady is going to need to need some reworking.

In short, Hillary Clinton gets elected, a few longstanding White House traditions and protocols will have to change. Here's a rundown of how that could play out.

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First and foremost, what do we call Hillary Rodham Clinton?

To start with, Hillary Clinton would need to work out what she wants to be called if she is elected the President of the United States (aside from, you know, "President of the United States").

"Madam President" is the logical frontrunner. After all, during Hillary's tenure as Secretary of State, she was referred to as Madam Secretary. And beyond this real-life precedent, let's not discount pop culture influence: In HBO's satirical politics show, Veep, the female president Selina Meyer is referred to as "Madam President." Sure, it's a fictitious comedy, but don't discount its ability to influence protocol in reality — after all, HBO wields significant cultural influence.

Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

On the other hand, Madam might be a little too old school for a groundbreaking president. White House historian and author of The President's House, William Seale, told Mashable he isn't so sure Hillary Clinton is going to be down with the antiquated Madam label. "I don't think it's modern enough for the first lady president," he said. But, he admitted, Madam is likely default title.

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Seale suggested Hillary own the title of President Clinton and have her husband go by Mr. Clinton, since she is in the more superior position.

@Lidholm12 I think everyone should start getting used to saying Madam President.

— Dean Richard Smith (@bigspringdoc) October 31, 2016

Luckily "commander in chief" and "president" are gender-neutral terms, so when it comes to these alternate labels, the fact that Hillary is a woman is irrelevant. It's only when Bill Clinton is added to the picture that things get messy. (What else is new?)

What do we call Bill Clinton?

Complicating matters is the irksome fact that Bill served as the 42nd president. Technically, presidents are forever known as presidents — i.e., Bill will always be President Clinton and/or Mr. President. Thus, should Hillary win the election, Seale said the both Clintons will inevitably be thought of as President and President Clinton.

The husband and wife will inevitably be thought of as President and President Clinton.

"But," Seal argued, "out of deference to her they ought to encourage 'Mr. Clinton'" as Bill's title.

The White House Historical Association's Allida Black, who consults, studies and teaches about all things first lady, acknowledged that the couple could both be called president. Nevertheless, she said in an interview with Mashable,"I can’t envision a situation where it would be President Clinton and President Clinton."

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When the two are introduced together (a la what has traditionally been "President and First Lady") Black thinks it will be as "President Clinton" and "former President Clinton."

if hillary becomes president, what would we call her husband? first man?

— jessica (@baepzaes) October 31, 2016

Historian Black told Mashableif Bill hadn't already been president he would be referred to as "first gentleman." Seale said "Number One Man" is also possibility, but "first man" or "first gentleman" made him balk. "I think that would sound like a men's clothing store," he said.

Apparently Bill himself jokes about being the "first laddy," as a pun on the "first lady" title. Alas, that one probably won't stick.

It's all about history and protocol

The title of first lady wasn't always a thing. The wife of America's first president, George Washington, was called Lady Washington — but that didn't really catch on. During the Civil War, Abraham Lincoln's wife, Mary Todd Lincoln, was occasionally called first lady, but it wasn't until the late nineteenth century that the term became popular enough to cement itself into common vernacular thanks to the presidency of Rutherford B. Hayes and his wife, Lucy. Mrs. Hayes embraced the First Lady title and its duties during her husband's presidency from 1877 to 1881.

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In the 20th century, Seale said Jackie Kennedy Onassis was vehemently against the first lady title and is known for saying, "it sounds like a saddle horse." (Alas, this wasn't a battle she won.)

The Office of the First Lady of the United States didn't even exist until Edith Roosevelt created the office at the turn of the 20th century and then Lady Bird Johnson in the 1960s really galvanized the position with her own chief of staff and press secretary. As Black described it, "The office continuously evolves."

Meanwhile, the White House Social Secretary has traditionally worked with the first lady on everything from invitations and guest lists to living room decorations. But as Black was quick to point out, a Hillary presidency might prompt the social secretary to rename the first lady's office to the Office of the First Gentleman for Bill. Alternately, the social secretary could forgo working with Bill altogether and work with someone else altogether. "There's massive historical precedent on this," Black said.

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There have been plenty of administrations in which there wasn't a traditional first lady managing the social duties of the president.

There have been plenty of administrations where there wasn't a traditional first lady managing the social duties of the president.

For example, during the Woodrow Wilson administration in 1914 there was a gap between his wife Ellen Wilson's death and the president's marriage to his second wife Edith Wilson in 1915. Wilson's cousin, Helen Woodrow Bones, served as the White House hostess during that time.

Then there was Andrew Jackson, who was widowed just before his term started in 1829, so his late wife's niece, 21-year-old Emily Donelson, took on first lady duties until her untimely death in 1836. To help finish out Jackson's term, his daughter-in-law, Sarah Yorke Jackson, served the White House.

Benjamin Harrison had his daughter serve as White House hostess after his wife's death in 1892.

Black has considered Hillary and Bill Clinton's adult daughter Chelsea Clinton serving in a "first lady" type role, or someone else altogether stepping in. There are plenty of options for how a female Clinton-led White House could operate.

If we do have a historic female presidency after next week's election, the Office of the Chief of Protocol will eventually make an announcement on proper naming and titles that the administration approves. Otherwise get ready to hear President Donald Trump and first lady Melania Trump announced at the next state dinner.

Until then, let the speculation and guesses flow.

Topics Hillary Clinton