【Michael Maien】

I don't have Michael Maiena diary but if I did, my most detailed, intimate entries would likely be descriptions of cheeseburgers. I love cheeseburgers. Like, I occasionally ease myself to sleep by scrolling through the cheeseburger hashtag on Instagram.

But despite my undying burger love, I do not want my future engagement ring presented to me on a patty of beef and melted cheese. OK?

Marriage proposals that involve sticking the ring in food might seemlike a good idea — especially when someone's as obsessed with a specific food as I am with burgers — but they're not. They're lazy and absurd.

The sheer act of sticking a diamond ring into whatever food or drink you deem special enough for your significant other is not only dangerous, it's medium-key disgusting, which is why food proposals need to stop.

The latest food proposal trend to disgrace the sanctity of engagements is the avocado proposal. Essentially you cut the fruit in half, dig out the pit, insert the ring in its place, and reunite both halves of the avocado to conceal the ring, creating a makeshift box. 🙄

Aside from this being the most basic proposal one could possibly think up, who wants smooshed avocado all over their ring? Not to mention by the time you propose that picturesque avocado green will already be turning brown. Ick.

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Also this is now a special avocado that marks a milestone in your relationship, so what are you supposed to do with it? You can't just eat it like it's any old avocado. Do you store it in the freezer until your tenth wedding anniversary and then proceed to make some some disgusting anniversary avocado toast? My god.

Stop putting your potential fiancé in danger

If you knowthere's a prize in a box of cereal or Cracker Jacks then sure, the search can be fun. But when you're taking bites not expecting to swallow anything other than calories, hidden treasure can take a turn for the worst.

People actuallySWALLOW wedding rings. Are you hearing me? A diamond ring can be swallowed WHOLE, turning your food proposal into a potentially deadly choking hazard. And if a person swallows a ring and survivesthey then have to, um, wait for it to pass.

In 2009 Reed Harris hid an engagement ring in a Wendy’s Frosty and gave it to his girlfriend Kaitlin with the intention of a romantic proposal. WHY, Reed?! My gosh. Anyways, instead of getting engaged Kaitlin accidentally swallowed the ring, was taken to the hospital for x-rays, and spent days prepping to naturally retrieve it by consuming prunes and high-fiber cereal.

That is an actual very unromantic thing that happened. And this woman now has to wear a ring that has passed through her intestines for the rest of her life.

As a wise episode of The Mindy Projecttaught us, hiding rings in food also poses a danger to anyone in the surrounding area. Mindy was so excited to dig in her dessert that she accidentally ate the ring her brother was about to propose to his girlfriend with.

The moral of the story is, if you love someone, propose to them in a way that will not potentially kill them.

I do... not want a ring hidden in anything consumable

Before the wretched avocado proposal came into our lives another popular way to pop the question was by putting the ring in a glass of champagne. But why would anyonewant their wedding ring floating around in a glass of champagne?

Think about the logistics. In order to retrieve the ring you'd either have to carefully chug the entire glass, then awkwardly tip it over and dry it off, or I guess fish it out with a fork or something?

I get that there's an added element of quirky surprise by putting the ring in a food or drink, but I'm pretty sure the whole asking someone to spend the rest of his or her life with you is pretty surprising in itself.

Hiding rings in food is messy, it's inconvenient, and TBH it ruins some perfectly good food. Basically, If your reasoning behind proposing to your significant other with their favorite food is "______ loves this food" maybe dig a litttttttttledeeper.

Are food proposals ever OK?

There are maybe threescenarios in which proposing with food could ever be considered acceptable.

1. To honor a food-based meet cute

As Arthur fromthe very romantic film The Holiday,explained, a meet cute is how two characters in a movie (or people IRL) meet. So let's say you and your significant other had a meet cute in the grocery store — your hands reached out for a pack of Hostess Sno Balls at the exact same time, you touched, laughed, then started talking, dating, falling in love, the whole deal.

If you owe the entiretyof your relationship to this one food then OKAY it might be cute to incorporate it into the proposal.

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2. If you are Jim Halpert proposing to Dwight K. Schrute

Jim could have proposed to Dwight by putting the ring in Jell-O. Yes it would have been messy to get the ring out but it would have been a cute as hell inside joke. Instead, Jim proposed to Pam at a gas station in the rain.

3. If your significant other has specifically requested a food proposal

Sometimes couples talk about marriage beforehand. Sometimes they even drop not-so-subtle hints about their dream proposals. So if your boyfriend or girlfriend has actually uttered the words "food proposals are the best" or "I'd love an avocado proposal," you may grant them their wish.

These are the only acceptable scenarios.

Think outside the box (kind of)

Champagne is exciting, burgers are delicious, Wendy's milkshakes are a nice treat, and avocados are important, but food proposals are none of those things. They simply piggyback off the greatness of the food, and if you really put your mind to it you will realize you are better than them.

Rather than focusing your creativity on ~what~ the ring is in, just usea good old traditional box and go big on the proposal itself.

If you really want to incorporate food pop the question afterthe best meal of your lives. If you want some champagne have a bottle handy to celebrate with afteryou've proposed. Spell out "Marry Me?" in Mallomars or propose at a candle-lit table covered with burgers. Just please for the love of everything good in this world DO NOT put the ring in the food.