【Secret Tutoring (2018)】

CUPERTINO,Secret Tutoring (2018) CA: The bastard Tim Cook has stabbed me in the back and taken everything from me.

Today, Apple unveiled two new iPhones at their event about iPhones.

The first iPhone is the iPhone 8: an ancient piece of dogshit tech that we will all forget about in one week. The second iPhone is the iPhone X (pronounced "iPhone ten"): a technological marvel that I cannot and will not ever understand -- a device so beautiful that to hold it would be to touch the concept of my own mortality; to come face to face with my maker and, upon meeting His eye, to understand the universe far beyond any degree humanity was ever intended to; to experience, for the first time, what it is to be alive.

Anyway, I am the creator of the iPhone 9, which I guess is cancelled??? What the freaking hell? This is the first I'm hearing about ANY of this.

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That's right: for the last three years it has been my sole duty to create the iPhone 9: a phone that was supposed to come after the very bad iPhone 8, and before the wonderful 10. I have worked diligently, and I am proud of my work. I was certain that the iPhone 9, my beautiful baby, would astound the tech world and usher in a new era for the company.

This is the first I'm hearing about ANY of this.

And then today, along with the rest of you, I learned that my precious phone (far superior to the iPhone 8, which is really very bad and stupid) has been leapfrogged by the iPhone X: a divine tool with the miraculous and unknowable ability to scan your face and make the emojis move. Could anybody have mentioned this to me, maybe?

Maybe tell the guy making the 9 that the 10 is coming out today and it's the best phone in the history of phones?

I mean, did everyone at this effing company effing forget that I effing EXIST?? Because I have been paid money to develop a design for the iPhone 9 since the year TWO THOUSAND AND FOURTEEN. And you freaking FREAKS release the 8 andthe 10 on the SAME DAY?

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I am Mad. As. Hell.

And nobody even used ANY of my ideas, by the way.

Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

That's right: my incredible ideas and innovations, all of which are so much better than the iPhone 8's (a phone designed by dogs, for scoundrels), have been scrapped without a second thought.

Months and months of labor, gone. Years of devotion: thrown into the proverbial toilet. Gone is the large button that calls 911, demolished is my second screen for "big apps" (apps that are bigger), incinerated is my design for little Swiss Army scissors on the top and bottom. These were going to change the way we communicate, to shepherd the tech world into the promised land of good phones.

It was also going to be thick as hell.

Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

But alas, the iPhone 9 is dead. My life's work, eclipsed by the iPhone X. So be it! Such is life, I suppose.

I am sorry to the Apple fans for what could have been. I am sorry to my family for spending three years in the garage screaming, "I'M MAKING A NEW iPHONE GET THE FUCK OUT" every time they tried to come in.

Mostly, though, I am sorry to the iPhone 9: my smartphone son. I have failed you all.

Enjoy the X, everyone. As for me, I am moving on to the next stage of my life: waiting patiently for death to come.

Please do not buy the iPhone 8, it is stupid and bad.

Thanks for reading Mashable Humor: original comedy every day. Or most days. We're people, just like you, and we're trying our best.

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Steve Jobs' voice opens the 2017 Apple Event

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