【Twilight the Porno and Other XXX Parodies】

For LGBTQ teens growing up in the '90s,Twilight the Porno and Other XXX Parodies there were just a handful of out queer role models.

Sure, there was Dan Savage, whose advice gave hope and vision to closeted folks across the country, and Deborah Betts, the first openly gay federal judge to be appointed. But none of these people really mattered to queer youth because they all lacked one crucial ingredient. They were not on cable TV.

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LGBTQ characters were few and far between on 1990s television, but that didn't mean queer kids everywhere weren't dreaming. Sure, Darlene from Roseanne was "technically" dating some loser named David -- but look at his hair, her personality. Beneath her explicitly heterosexual exterior was a cynical tomboy femme, just waiting to come out and date me.

Here's a look at '90s TV characters queer teens always wished were gay, and maybe would have been, 20 years later.

1. Alex Mack, The Secret World of Alex Mack

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Mack's trademark backwards baseball cap and interest in STEM fields screamed masculine-of-center boi, but the show first aired in 1994, in the pre-lesbian era before Ellen. Of course, not everyone who sports a denim hat and overalls identifies as gay but -- c'mon. One can dream and carefully stereotype.

2. AC Slater, Saved by the Bell

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Teens everywhere remember AC Slater for "Hey Mama," but he was just one, slippery consonant away from "Hey Papa." Remember his tight pastel pink tank-tops? All along, Slater was just using Jesse to get to his sex symbol of choice: Zack Morris. 

3. Darlene, Roseanne

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Darlene and David: No one believed it. Between her artistic prowess, unapologetic cynicism and casual misandry, Darlene would have made a phenomenal girlfriend to sarcastic queer ladies everywhere. 

4. Eddie Winslow, Family Matters

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Biceps. Suede jackets. Overalls. Eddie Winslow might have been the "fun straight brother" in his "cool nuclear family," but let's not lie: Eddie would have made a stunning gay man. 

5. Xena, Xena The Warrior Princess

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In the upcoming Xena reboot, Xena will have a relationship with her leather-studded babe and bae, Gabrielle. Sigh -- two hot lesbian warrior princesses in love. They'll make a beautiful match, and a very popular porn channel.

6. Denise, The Cosby Show

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Sure, The Cosby Show has been shattered forever, but there's one thing we can still salvage amongst all the waste: sad teenage sexual fantasies. Just close your eyes and imagine Denise's Tinder profile. Denise might be dating dog David for show, but queer ladies everywhere knew she was coming to date us. 

7. Dana Scully, The X-Files

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With her broad shoulders and no-nonsense shoulder pads, Scully screamed "early '90s power lesbian." 

8. Rayanne, My So-Called Life

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She's artistic, she's wounded and she looks great with 35 braids. Sure, most of Rayanne's relationships were with men, but just think of how unavailable they were. "Tino" was just her gateway to "Tina." 

9. Christina Applegate, Married with Children

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We fell in love with Christina as soon as the words "Right on top of that Rose" slipped out of her mouth. Of course, she wasn't the parent-ified powerhouse she was in Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead, but she was still cute and potentially gay, so we totally forgave her. 

10. Buffy, Buffy

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She hangs out in a public library and drives knives into the hearts of men. Case closed. 

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11. Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Home Improvement

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JTT appealed to teens from all across the queer spectrum, masculine and feminine alike. He looked like the kind of boy who wanted to take you on a cute date to get a chocolate milk at the corner store. Yes, please. 

12. Robbie, The Dinosaurs

Robbie's Varsity Jacket screamed "I'm a hot jock who's just too afraid to come out." Prohibitions against homosexuality were particularly severe in ancient dinosaur culture, although vegetarian brachiosauruses were known to experiment from time to time. Who doesn't want a piece of that tail?

13. Elaine, Seinfeld

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Maybe the reason she's chronically single is that she secretly wants to be in a strictly monogamous lesbian relationship with someone 20 years her junior (points at self). Duh. 

14. Maxine, Living Single

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She was a hard-nosed attorney who just happened to befriend Queen of Queers, Queen Latifah. Maxine had a distant relationship with her mother, probably because her closeted mother quietly sensed her rebellious hot queer side. 

15. Hector Carrero, Ghostwriter

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Gaydar is stereotypical and reductive and also a little bit accurate. Hector Carrero was a queer dreamboat who turned into a queer reality on MTV Real World Philadelphia. Dreams do come true.

16. Shawn Hunter, Boy Meets World

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Approximately 100% of my lesbian friend circle looks like Rider Strong from Boy Meets World. None of us were born gay -- we learned it from TGIF. 

17. Skeeter, Doug

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A Blue-skinned DJ, Skeeter redefined hot in the cartoon world. Unlike his conservative BFF, Skeeter lived outside the law, riding skateboards, rocking joggers, being totally gay. 

18. Daria, Daria

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Daria was post-Darlene Roseanne. Aggressively cynical, indifferent to the lives of men, Daria would have made a great lesbian and proud misandrist. 

19. Jane, Daria

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In the history of fan fiction, is there anything hotter than a Jane-Daria relationship? Two dysphoric fictional teens in black. Gay gay gay gay gay (please). 

20. Jason Bateman, The Hogan Family

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The Hogan Family was one of the most forgettable shows in the most unforgettable era of television. You know what would have made it better? Jason Bateman, as a raging homosexual. 

21. Josh Server, All That

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Look past his huge ears. Behind his ragingly dumb persona, was an adorable gay man, just waiting to come out. 

22. Kristy, The Babysitter's Club

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For those of us lucky enough to remember The Babysitter's Club did enjoy a brief, beautiful moment as a television show. And while stereotyping is evil and awful, Kristy totally fit every one: a toppy masculine-of-center androgynous softball tomboy deeply in love with Mary Anne (You can do better, Kristy!) 

23. Pacey, Dawson's Creek

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The reason Pacey performed so poorly in school wasn't family trauma or intellectual disabilities. He was struggling with his secret homosexual side -- duh!

24. Telly Radford, Salute Your Shorts

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Telly was a minor character in Salute Your Shorts, forgotten by anyone who wasn't teen and gay and madly in love with a fictional character. 

25. Margaret Cho, All American Girl

She was hilarious and hot, theretofore: gay.

26. Murphy Brown, Murphy Brown

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Tough, bright and broad-shouldered, Murphy hid her secret queer self underneath her straight single mom persona.

27. Jason Priestly, 90210

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That man never had a wrinkle on his face, and never will. He's a timeless spray-tanned hairless twinky god, and a proud member of the fantasy LGBT community. 

28. Fez, That 70's Show

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While That 70's Show came of age in the '00s, its first totally gay episode aired in 1998. Just look at that hair part. That open-necked shirt. It screams: "I'm gay and waiting to date you, anonymous audience member."

29. Zack Morris, Saved By the Bell

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Sorry Zack, but we knew your pursuit of Kelly was just a front for your real passion: AC Slater. And maybe even Screech, after hours at The Max. You have the chiseled infrastructure of a golden gay god. You are queer. You are hot. You are ours.