【The Naughty New Mom Is My First Love Teacher (2025)】

As well as being Hot Girl Summer,The Naughty New Mom Is My First Love Teacher (2025) it's also been the summer of hard seltzer. The range of beverages I like to refer to as the Spicy Waters got a delicious low-sugar booze injection for 2019 -- no more spiking your La Croix with gin in steadily, sloppily increasing doses!

So really, we brought this on ourselves.

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Yes, everyone's problematic-fave, definitely-not-caffeinated-anymore-really-we-promise premium malt beverage seems to have announced a hard seltzer. (Mashable has contacted Four Loko's parent company for confirmation, a release date and a full list of flavors.)

Computer, enhance:

Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

Yes, 14 percent.

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For those playing at home, in case you're too drunk for basic arithmetic, that's triple the booze in a White Claw.

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So naturally, people are accepting their fate, with all the future poor decisions, drunk "u up?" texts, and possible impromptu trips to Panama that await them in Four Loko Fall.

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The kombucha reaction meme made an appearance, of course:

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There's a dark edge to the Four Loko Hard Seltzer Discourse, given the huge controversy and very real harm linked to the original formula's dangerous combination of high alcohol content, caffeine, taurine, and guarana.

To reiterate, Four Loko hasn't had caffeine in it since its reformulation in 2010 -- and this refreshing liver-apocalypse-in-a-can will undoubtedly still draw the line there -- but it's still found a way to fuel a whole new generation of self-destruction.

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