【Roman Perez Jr. Archives】

Recently,Roman Perez Jr. Archives outcry has risen over Netflix putting former Obama administration official Susan Rice on its board. In response, the #CancelNetflix hashtag has circulated (weakly) around small corners of Twitter.

Who's actually canceling their accounts? Seems like the same people who are convinced the Benghazi attack is more of a scandal than Russia's influence over our politics, the complete evaporation of the emoluments clause, or the continuous stream of lies and misinformation that Trump speaks every day.

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While Rice's new spot on Netflix's board never made me consider canceling my account even slightly, it did prompt me to pause for some self-reflection. I had to ask myself a really tough question: What wouldit take for me to get rid of Netflix?

Netflix and I have a long history. We've been together more than a decade! I joined in 2006 back when the company only offered mail-order DVDs. Now, as I look through my viewing activity, I realize it's the rare day that I don'twatch something on Netflix — whether it's another rewatch of The Office or my first time to see some hidden-gem horror movie I've found to include in my annual list.

I know I could survive without Netflix, but would I want to?

It's complicated, though. I aspire to be someone who has ideals, someone with standards regarding a company's business ethics, someone who could boycott at will. Hell, I haven't eaten at McDonald's for nearly 20 years due to a rash bit of teenage angst.

But Netflix seems so ... essential.

What would it take for me to cancel my account? A LOT. I brainstormed 30 possible scenarios that I deeply hope will never happen.

1. Netflix announces that they unequivocally support every single political stance that I believe is morally wrong and decides to donate all profits to seeing their vision come to pass.

2. Netflix starts a program called "Daytime, Baby!" ending all service between the hours of 5 p.m. and 10 a.m. and only showing old reruns of Judge Joe Brown, The Price is Right, and Divorce Court.

3. Netflix begins showing commercials — but only attack ads for local elections in the Midwest. And the volume on the TV goes all the way up during them. And they last four minutes each. And there are 5 of them in each ad block. And there's no way to skip them.

4. Netflix moves away from its ribbon-y red logo in favor of a vivid, cheery collage featuring photos or artistic representations of all the times I was humiliated as a child.

5. Netflix decides to hide the beastiality scene from the "National Anthem" episode of Black Mirror in everything you watch. You have no idea when it will appear.

6. Netflix randomizes episodes of The Office so there's no way to watch them in order.

7. Netflix's board of directors hires assassins to kill my parents.

8. Netflix's board of directors hires assassins to kill my plants.

9. Netflix replaces all of its content with Sandra Bullock's 2009 movie The Blind Side

10. Netflix pivots away from digital/physical streaming to solely provide monthly subscription boxes dedicated to pool cleaning supplies.

11. Netflix uses all the data it's collected from me to launch multiple series mocking my life and those I love.

12. Netflix pranks me daily by having 10 pineapple and ham pizzas delivered to my apartment.

13. Netflix unveils a feature called "Stay Woke!" and begins intermittently adding the sound of an air horn into all of its programming.

14. Netflix hires someone to put cucumber slices in every glass of water I try to drink. I really hate cucumbers.

15. Netflix begins a program called "Closer Together," where everything you watch must be what someone else using your account loves. I'm sorry, my sister, I'm not going to watch Boss Baby.

16. Netflix raises its subscription price to $500 a month and uses a great deal of that money to launch a smear campaign against my bid for neighborhood council treasurer.

17. Netflix aggressively tries to convince my girlfriend to break up with me by replacing all the titles in her My List with movies about love gone wrong.

18. Netflix hacks into my web cam to take pictures of my stuff and then tries to sell it all on Craigslist.

19. Netflix starts a program called, "Wait, really?" where instead of asking you if you want to continue watching something, it continually shames you for going through Parks and Rec for the 11th time.

20. Netflix hires someone that sneaks into my house when I'm at work and trains my cat to not love me anymore.

21. Netflix pays people to constantly ring my very annoying apartment buzzer whenever I use the service.

22. Netflix decides to digitally insert Jeff Dunham's ventriloquism stand-up into every single title.

23. Netflix begins including my name and shameful credit score into the opening credits of all its original programming.

24. Netflix decides it needs to buffer every three seconds to make sure I get the most quality HD viewing possible, and the quality is always terrible.

25. Netflix implements a new system in which, before you can watch anything, you must first view a 30-minute documentary explaining why the Earth is actually flat.

26. Netflix rolls out a program called "U up?": Every five minutes, it asks you if you are still watching whatever you're watching.

27. Netflix decides to go all in on NRA TV, and air it live 24/7.

28. Netflix emails everything I watch to every one of my contacts in a weekly newsletter that highlights my very embarrassing watching habits. There are some bad things in there.

29. Netflix systematically removes everything I've ever voted up and everything I've rewatched so eventually all that will be is children's programming and Iron Fist.

30. Netflix stops streaming but still wants monthly payments.

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